Saturday, February 20, 2016

A wise boy once said "we accept the love we think we deserve".

I go back to uni in exactly ten days and as a result, I've been waitressing almost full time in an attempt to save money before the stress and anxiety of my final year makes me want to crawl into bed and huddle in the foetal position on the brink of tears instead of doing real work. Waitressing is a very methodical job. You go into "robot mode". You wait tables, you clear plates, bring drinks and food, and laugh at the client's well intended joke like it's not the fifteenth time that night you've heard it. There isn't much thought to it, so as time goes by your mind often wanders.

As a result I've recently had a lot of time to think about, well, a lot of different things. Things like life after uni, how to achieve the perfect miso soup, the benefits of coconut oil, and how to not piss off my flatmate, amongst other vapid, meaningless topics only a 21 year old with no real adult responsibilities could contemplate. One of the biggest thoughts bouncing round in my head recently, is relationships; particularly those of the romantic nature. I don't know why, but lately I've just noticed a small portion of my friends are in relationships, or are "unofficially" seeing people that, to put it bluntly, treat them like they would treat dog crap on the bottom of their shoes.

Whether it's spouses that aren't attentive enough, spouses that cheat and lie, or spouses that are downright manipulative and/or controlling, I've been raking my brain trying to work out why we stay with people who don't deserve us. I'm obviously a tad bias, but I'm sure I'm not exaggerating when I say that all my friends are so beautiful and kind and amazing, and I find it flabbergasting when one of them settles for someone who doesn't deserve their love.

But that's just it isn't it? We settle. We literally accept the love we think we deserve. In a way, our relationships with the people around us kinda reflect what's going on inside our heads. Which is frightening.

I was in a terrible co-dependent relationship with a lazy, manipulative and abusive person for just over a year. I literally bombed in every aspect of my life. My uni grades dropped, my skin was terrible, I felt like I had no friends when in reality everyone was really just trying to support me in any way I'd let them; my self esteem was at an all time low and I felt depressed and anxious pretty much all of the time. I told myself I couldn't do any better, that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. I then proceeded to willingly sacrifice every part of me in an attempt to make the relationship work. It was pretty shit to say the least. Coming out of that relationship, I realised just how bad things had become, and vowed never to go back. I guess you never really realise how bad a situation has gotten, unless you're the person looking in. The eye of the storm is always a calm and peaceful place, the chaos seems far away.

Anyway carrying on, it's been an uphill struggle. I still have days where I feel so unbelievably alone and sad for no reason at all really. Other days there are moments when I think I'm the happiest I've ever been. The other night, my flatmate and I returned home to our quaint Newtown flat in the early hours of Sunday morning after a long shift, and feeling very much awake, sat, drunk tea, and talked on the roof until 6am. She proceeded to get off the roof and have a shower, I proceeded to "pull an Ella" and fell asleep, waking up on the roof listening to birds chirps as the sun came up over the far Wellington hills. An hour and half later we were eating a greasy McDonalds breakfast. I can't explain it, but I felt so happy that night, and it was truly wonderful and liberating to feel so much content in a single moment.

And it's been happening more and more.
Just a few days ago, another workmate and I sat by the sea and ate pies. Today I went to Kmart and got a new oversized cardigan to lounge around in and after I got home from work, my flatmate and I sat on my bed and ate chocolate macadamias and listened to Jake Bugg's new song. Yesterday I even found the time to write and sent two letters to my family back home and it felt so damn good. I live for moments like these, moments where I feel so happy that my chest could explode.

My councillor often tells me that I should be my top priority. Not in a selfish way, but in the sense that sometimes you can't (and shouldn't) sacrifice your own happiness to benefit another person. In the end, you are the only person who can truly care for, and look after, your own wellbeing.

If you're reading this and thinking "well shit, this sounds like my life" I hope you feel real better soon. If you're crying every other day, or you no longer love the person you're with, think about where the relationship is heading. Sometimes the best thing to do is rip the bandaid off. Regardless of how alone you feel, there will always be someone to catch you when you fall. After all, that's what friends are for.

Until next time babes, chill out, love yourself, and listen to some Jake Bugg xx

P.s "We accept the love we think we deserve" is a brilliant (and also famous) quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I literally read the book in a few hours, it's incredible. Also watch the film, but read the book first. That is all, love you xx

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  1. It's so true, we DO accept the love we think we deserve! And I agree with your counsellor, you should be your own top priority. So much wisdom here :)


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